Arundati had just turned 28. A Services Manager by profession; she had still so much to achieve. Coming from a very orthodox Indian family with views to go with that, they were not exactly her fans. Her liberal attitude and strong opinions on topics ranging from marriage to politics infuriated her father to an extent he had given up on her.
She personally felt she had reached a point where she had lost patience to impress people or chase around some bloke just for the fun of it. Often finding herself puzzled with her dealings and the fact that she had not learnt much from them often left her wondering.she suddenly remembered a the economic theory that had kept her up all night during her pre-university days. The theory of human wants. She laughed out loud, so much of studying that crap and she could not even remember it straight.
She was truly a hopeless romantic,of that she was very sure……………………………………………
For several weeks she had done nothing but loath over her latest great love and how it had botched. But deep inside she knew she had hard-pressed the limit of human stamina and it was not correct to hold on to somebody who could never be pleased with the way she was. Oh F***!! she said,and her dad looked at her with that same look he always gave her when she used the WORD.
In her mind she could hear herself saying “I would never be happy with the way I had turned out to be”.That was it; in a split second she was sure she could no longer go on like this, could I? Was it really me? Had I said and done all those things? Could I be more hurting? What had happened to me? What was this obsession? What made me suicidal? Would I be able to see the person face to face and act like a stranger? So many questions ran through her anxious mind, which was urgently looking for answers and found no books for counsel. She knew she had fallen and was on her own, no one to lend a hand … what does a person do at these aching times? What does one do, when it hurts so shoddily? That’s it … she said to herself …. It was time for decision, measures and most of all a point to grow up.
This was exactly last Sunday the 29th of March 2009…. The day she said her first “that’s it” and meant it for real. It was exactly week later… Sunday night … she had recently taken up to Photography and was coming back from the photography work shop, which she had really enjoyed, quietly driving in her red Ferrari after a nice cold beer,which was her usual weekend thing,she dreamily made her way back Home . Suddenly out of nowhere as if something jumped out of the bushes here thoughts began to clobber her then vacant mind.
The one question that kept repeating like her mother’s cribbing. She laughed at the irony of her comparison and thought that there is so much more to life than broken heart, Right?
Her actions flashed like a space ship traveling in light-years…or watching those movie flicks in fast forward mode. What had I done? Stupid stupid little girl … cursing herself she brought her hand down hard, Bang! This action and the loud noise it made drew some unwanted attention, but of course arundati had no patience to give it a second thought ...
Arundati’s Journal:
My life began at 28…..
I won’t say i have entirely become a different person, but in way I was a new person with a new agenda and this time it did not include any MEN. It was time to move on , live on my own stipulations … yes marriage was on the cards , would love to find some one to hold on to … but for now , I required to be with myself , discern myself , get to know me from my own eyes .
What brought that change in me was an attempt to look at things from a brighter side. Blaming myself for my mistakes and others was no solace… believe me, when you find reasons to blame someone one, then you know it was entirely your fault.
Truth is definitely sour if not bitter and it’s always “Better late than never”.
As I tried to think more and more of what I had done wrong, it all came flooding back to me. I had to seriously change myself, even before I thought of associating with a special someone. Did I really know myself? Do I know what I wanted from this life; yeah sure I have dreams like any other person. Sure I feel immature, grown up all at the same time, I even feel positive about everything at this very moment , but some where in that creepy little corner of my head , a dark little place , there is insecurity and self doubt .
DO I really know my self? This question I guess has no definite answer, surely I have taken a path to self discovery , but how far would I go , would I crumble and fall all over again and hurt my self . No not again is my Final Answer…. Funnily I can hear the TV Reality show anchor saying “Lock Kiya Jaaye” in one of those hyped Get rich quick shows.
I would not fall in to something I know wont work out in the first instance… Life just gets complicated when you’re not single, sure everyone needs someone, but what makes us feel that way, why can’t we be happy with ourselves? This is my path to self discovery , this is where I say no to things that really don’t hold any value… this is the time I say no to things which don’t make me happy … do I need a person in my life to make me feel loved ? I don’t think so … I need to make my self feel loved… that’s what I have to do, love me, yet be selfless. So do I turn into a Narcissist, no but a bit of self obsession can prove to be very positive. The need to feel good , look good , dress well , are all good things to have … self love , to be the kind of person you want to be is very important. Today I start loving myself, and stop pitying myself for me. I have come to terms with this change the hard way and can now claim that I understand when people say “ everything happens for a reason and i don believe those reason were definitely for the better.
The End…
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